You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
