There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
