Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
