Someone shit on the floor
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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