I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
