I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
