god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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