Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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