Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
