This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
