mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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