how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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