If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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