you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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