ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
