she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
