My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
