My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
