ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
