Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
