My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
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I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
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Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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