Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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