I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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