You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
