its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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