He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
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I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
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Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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