All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
