This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
