My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
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