He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
