How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
