So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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