Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
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Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
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Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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