While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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