Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
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so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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