Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
