I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
