I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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