Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
