Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
high people should be assigned attendants
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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