I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
