i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
