SEEEEXXX PLEASE
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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