he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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