just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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