omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
