There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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