was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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