when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
