Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
