Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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