I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
