he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
