Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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