dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
