if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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