Where is the hickey?
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
farters have to be the big spoon...
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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