You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
