I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
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you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
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The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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